Saturday, June 16, 2012

The final 3 weeks...the 1st week

Mon 21/5
I came home after maghrib. Mom just came back from the pharmacy purchasing some medicine for dad's bedsore. Had dinner with mom, but mom ate hastily, she finished off first to tend to dad. I quitely ate my dinner.

Washed up & went to my room. I didn't realize mom was calling me.
Until I heard my brother's voice. Something must be happening. My heart raced

Went to dad's room. Mom said she was calling me all this while, I felt guilty I didn't hear it.
Mom said dad was sweating, had high fever, vomitting and his eyes was rolled up, you could see the white of his eyes only. I didn't dare to look.

Bro called for the ambulance from UMMC.
I was imagining the worst.
Bro followed dad in the ambulance.
I drove mom to UMMC
Waited at the emergency ward from 10.30pm - 2am
Finally all the tests were done, dad was transferred to Ward 6TE, East Tower, Level 6 at Palliative Care Unit under Oncology ward (for cancer patients)
Saw dad's hands were tied. I asked why. The attendant said he wanted to take the IV drip off.

Tue 22/5
We slept nearby dad. It was an open ward, we didn't get a room. Waited for the doctor
No doctor until it was Subuh already.
Me and bro went back home. Mom stayed.
EL today. Planned to take EL the whole week.
Went back to UMMC 8.30am, waited for the doctor
Doctor finally came
Last night was a seizure. Not in good condition.
Doc said: For his final moment, you want it to be at the hospital or bring him home?
That was it. We broke into tears.
Current condition : Critical, but stable. In coma, he was on morphin, antibiotics, drip
Doc asked to reduce dad's milk intake to just 3 times a day from every 3 hours. Usually it's 400ml of Appeton 60+ milk.
Imagine 400ml is just a mere cup of milk. He was surviving on only about  6 cups of milk everyday for a few months already.
I asked for forgiveness from Dad. It might be my last chance. He responded. He gripped tight my hand. His eyes was open. He cried. I cried. I told him I forgave him, I have absolutely nothing against him. I want him to go in peace. Then mom & bro asked for forgiveness too.
Mas & Ezad came. Ezad tought me a few things on how to care for dad. Thanks Ezad. Mas asked to be transferred to a room. They were still full.
Me & mom slept at the hospital

Wed 23/5
Went back to take some fresh clothes & a bit cleaning up the house
Mom stayed at the hospital
At 1pm, Bro whatsapped me to come to hospital. Dad was critical, doc asked for family members to gather.
Tried to stay calm.
2pm Arrived at hospital, everyone was there, uncles, aunties, cousins.
Saw my uncle whispering to dad to say the kalimah syahadah.
I broke into tears
Went to dad and whispered to him too,me sobbing
Saw the patient from the bed in front of us being wheeled out. His body. He was just warded last night. Mom told he passed away just before I reached back.
Realized this one  volunteer, constantly keeping company of the aunty beside us, a cancer patient. He was really patient with the aunty. 
SMS-ed Mas to recite the yassin, told her about dad's condition
Dad was struggling to get his phlegm out, he can't cough it out.
The nurses sucked out the phlegm with a tube, similar like sucking with a vacuum
At 5pm, my dad's condition stabilized. He was breathing, but slowly.
By 10pm, everyone had left except me & mom. We slept there.

Thurs 24/5
The patient from the bed beside us passed away. The nurses only realised this during the morning  cleaning up of patients at 5.30am. I remember the man struggled last night, he was coughing and asking for more morphin. I didn't know why I just stared at him, until my mom asked me to call the nurse, and only then I did.
There is only death in this ward. It has been 2 since we came here.
In the afternoon finally moved into a room. It was more convenient. For us to recite our prayers without disturbing other patients from other faiths.
Today we realized - dad wasn't able to move anymore. Just yesterday he could grip our hands. He is no longer aware. He no longer cries. It was only breathing, sleeping or struggling with the phlegm. I realized there was no more emotion from him, only the reflect feedbacks.
Doc asked to reduce further to only 1 milk intake, and to only 200ml! And taken off the drip. This was to reduce dad's phlegm.
More friends & relatives came. Mas, Ezad & Liza came.
My cousin Alan who just lost his mother (my aunt) about a week before (13/5) - I regretted did't get to visit arwah at the hospital - told me - it was the same condition as his mom. The struggling with the phlegm. It was one of the signs.
Bro slept together w us tonite in our new room. Room no 2, same ward

Fri 25/5
Doc told it could be today or tomorrow.
I somehow felt dad was going to survive for....maybe a month or so.
I suddenly felt stronger - I should look this from a positive side.
If my dad survives, alhamdulillah (at this point I knew it was unlikely)
If it was time, at least his sufferings will end.
He was by now skin and bones. His rib cage protruding. His cheekbone protruding.
A friend of mom's came and left not long after as she couldn't bear to look
Anyway, I was contemplating to go back to work, as a distraction.

Sat 26/5
More relatives & friends came.
Dad was calm, sleeping.

Sun 27/5
After maghrib, Wan Chik & Ayah Chik was about to go back when Dad started struggling again.
Called the nurse for suction.
So I cancelled going to the office the next day. One more EL for Monday.
Anyway, dad's blood pressure improved to normal about 130. Before it was only 85. I took a reading of his breath interval (although it was very scary to do so - I was imagining what if it was his last breath - but I continued on). Intermittent. Longest interval was 5 seconds. He was really breathing slowly.
I thought my hunch was right. Dad was going to survive - but I know it might not be long.

Mon 28/5
Today mom came home with me. I saw that she was more composed. She didn't want to leave dad for just a while before this.
I was glad she was able to relax. She watched TV, catching up on things she missed out.
I got to sleep on a bed after a week.



Blogger soren said...

i'm sorry for your loss.

4:34 PM  

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